Nobody knows what they are ordering. It used to be a cup of coffee, but with the explosion of coffee culture over the past 20 years ordering has become much more difficult. When you walk into a coffee shop today there are 40 different types of coffee, all with Italian names, and all written on some stupid chalkboard by some hipster. This list should help you through it. My top 6 go-to coffee orders.
** To understand this list, you must first understand what an espresso is. It’s essentially a concentrated shot of coffee. It is loaded with caffein and tastes like garbage. It’s ridiculously strong and what I would imagine burnt mud tastes like. It sucks but it is the base of pretty much all these drinks.
There are many sophisticated ways to describe a cappuccino. None of them are correct. It is essentially a better tasting espresso. It is an espresso with a bunch of foamy creamy milk added to it, along with a little sprinkle of chocolate stuff. So it is just superior to an espresso. Anyone who tells you that they like the “pure” taste of espresso over the cappuccino is lying. It makes no sense. And an added benefit of a cappuccino is that it is still served in those tiny cups that make you feel like Hagrid.
A tremendous option if you have the tastebuds of a child. It is a coffee/hot chocolate hybrid that makes you feel like a kid again, but looks like a regular coffee drink to hipsters who would judge you for drinking chocolate. Obviously a regular hot chocolate is a superior drink, but this will do if you want to seem sophisticated. It also has arguably the sexiest name out of all the coffee drinks.
This drink was apparently conceived during WW2 when American soldiers would add hot water to their espressos so they had more hot beverage to drink. I have a tough time understanding how there was no genius capable of coming up with that before some G.I.. And for those keeping score, adding water to espresso shot basically makes it a cup of coffee. That’s what it is. It’s a cup of coffee. By ordering an Americano, you are ordering a cup of coffee. It has a sophisticated name, which is useful in hiding the fact that you just ordered a cup of coffee.
Firstly, just call it a "latte". If you order a “Cafe Latte” you are very likely a loser of some sort. This is essentially a shot of espresso with a full cup of creamy, foamy milk and some syrups. It is sweet and delicious and tastes way better than anything that tastes only like coffee. It’s like an Americano, but instead of water, they use delicious foamy stuff. And you can always add an extra shot of espresso if you really want to fire things up. The downside is that it costs 27$.
This is where we get to the good stuff. This is a cup of drip coffee. But added to it are two shots of espresso. This is easily the most useful coffee beverage there is. If you order a Black Eye, you will be flying. It is essentially a cup of caffein. You feel great. Your hands start to shake. It is great for hangovers and depression. Not so great for your road rage, but who cares? You’ve got places to be. And with a Black Eye, you’ll get there faster.
Dunkin’ Classic Coffee
This is everything that a coffee should be. Of course you can only get it at Dunkin’, and every coffee idiot will judge you for going there. But you know who won’t? Your plumber uncle who farts in his truck and is already loaded by half-time of the Lions game on Thanksgiving. It’s coffee for regular people who work and just need something hot and loaded with caffein. There is a reason the world runs on Dunkin’. This drink will keep you awake for 3 days, cost you only 2$ and is guaranteed to provide at least 1 instance of diarrhea. Sometimes you need a good clean out. This is the only coffee drink that matters and never pass it up.